Spanking Children
SPANKING CHILDREN
There is an ongoing debate about whether to spank children. Some believe it is 
never acceptable to spank a child while others believe it is a form of discipline that works or at least there are specific instances in which spanking is warranted. It is sometimes stated that the tendency to spank is different in different cultures. This is most likely true. However, children are children in every culture and while it might be an acceptable practice in some cultures, it nonetheless has the same impact on a child’s psychological development. At the core of the decision to spank is the belief that it is an effective method of changing behavior.
Parents will often spank children in order to exert influence over their behavior when they are doing something wrong, being annoying or getting into danger. Interestingly, there is no evidence to suggest that children learn well when spanked. In fact, there are studies that indicate that the opposite is true. Alternate methods of disciplining children are available to be learned and practiced. One such methodology is Positive Discipline. Here is a link to learn more about it: www.positivediscpline.com
Six Reasons Not to Hit Children
- Teaches Children to Become Spankers: One of the most direct correlations (both anecdotally as well as through research) is that many children who are hit will grow up to be adults who hit. It has been surmised that spanked children often grow up to be bullies and it has been found that one of the most common denominators in gangs is that they have all been hit, spanked or abused in some way. It also teaches that it is appropriate to exert power over people who are younger, smaller or weaker. One mother told me a story of how her 5 year old daughter was hitting her 2 year old daughter. When told to stop, the older daughter said she was just playing Mommy. This is a direct example of children emulating their parents and believing if Mommy or Daddy does it, it must be the right thing to do. This imprinting at a very young age happens at a time of intense learning for children.
- Promotes Anger: Children have a strong sense of fairness and are not well-equipped to understand why they would be treated so unfairly. Spanking is perceived as an unfair way of being treated and generates feelings of anger, embarrassment and humiliation. Sometimes these feelings are not outwardly expressed and may be directed at themselves. Feelings of worthlessness and of deserving to be punished can follow. We also know that children are often strongly attached to parents who abuse them. They protect them in order to maintain the connection to them, even if it is a negative connection. These same children often become involved in relationships as adults that are also abusive, both as the abuser or the one being abused.
- Learning How to Manage Conflict: Spanking gets in the way of children learning how to settle their differences in a safe, humane and satisfying way. When they have been taught to talk about their emotions, they have a much better chance of bringing that understanding into their relationships with others. When spanking is used as the solution, they become focused on the feelings of hurt and anger and perhaps also revenge. They are no longer open to learning from the punishment they are receiving. If they have learned anything at all, it is to be afraid. Children need a safe place to express their frustrations without fear of recrimination, so they are able to learn ways of tolerating and dealing with their feelings.
- Appropriateness of Behavior: I’m sure you are all aware of the “Terrible Twos”. It is a frustrating experience for parents as their manageable 1-year-old starts having tantrums, is no longer quietly taking everything in and is starting to talk a blue streak. It is a challenge to allow children to go through this developmental growth in their lives as it is experienced as intrusive and almost impossible to manage. It is a time when parents try to find anything that will stop the offensive behavior, including spanking. Just as a side note, those terrible twos can sometimes become the trying threes and the fearsome fours. Patience is a virtue!
- Sexual Confusion: It has been suggested that one of the implications of spanking is that at the age most children are spanked, it is when they are in an anal stage of sexual development. Children experience latent sexuality, meaning it is not outwardly expressed, and is a function of normal development. When they are spanked, they have the experience of feeling pain in an area that is also an erogenous zone and is a pleasurable sensation. It can form a connection between pain, humiliation and being aroused.
- Doesn’t Improve Behavior: It bears repeating that spanking does not bring about the change in behavior or attitude in the long run that a parent might intend. It could bring about a brief end to an unwanted behavior, but chances are good the child will repeat the unwanted behavior again in the future. They will learn to be afraid of a parent and/or learn more and better ways to not get caught.
Take some time to think about the times you have either spanked or wanted to spank your child. Were you feeling in control of your actions? Were you looking for some intervention that would be quick and efficient in the short term? Did it relieve your feelings of frustration? Did you feel more in control after the spanking? There are better ways to teach your children than spanking them.
Dr. Shendl Tuchman
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